luxurious-kingdom: celine-denvior: conceiited: the notes...

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:15:45 -0500

luxurious-kingdom:

celine-denvior:

conceiited:

the notes :o

₠

can i have thissssss

gettingahealthybody: Is this paradise yet?

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:14:53 -0500

gettingahealthybody:

Is this paradise yet?

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Sun, 19 May 2013 18:14:23 -0500

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Sun, 19 May 2013 18:11:07 -0500

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Sun, 19 May 2013 18:10:06 -0500

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Sun, 19 May 2013 18:07:09 -0500

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Sun, 19 May 2013 18:06:19 -0500

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Tue, 07 May 2013 00:38:29 -0500

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Tue, 07 May 2013 00:38:18 -0500

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Tue, 07 May 2013 00:37:58 -0500

Yep

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:36:13 -0500

Yep

Hearts don't break even.

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:32:35 -0500

My last thought before I go to sleep is still him.

It’s been two months. I’ve forgotten the gap between the smile of face, the freckles on your nose and those tiny flecks of gold in your eyes.. Only I really haven’t.

I remember everything. From our first date to the way we ended. And I think that’s the hardest part to get over, the way we ended.

So since I don’t have someone who will hear me out every time I need to vent, I’ve decided to put it all out there:

I loved my ex-boyfriend very much. And he may have loved me too but I’m not sure. Sometimes I think he did and that maybe he still does. Other times I think he never did. Of one thing I’m sure is that I was in an abusive relationship. Emotional and sometimes physical.

We met a little over a year ago. I had just turned 21 and he was 25. He was my boss’s son. From the start I pictured him to be a “daddy’s boy”. He just had this air about him. I turned him down every time he asked me out on a date. I had a boyfriend at the time.

Long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend because I was attracted to my boss’s son, Stephen. I knew it wasn’t right to feel that way. It wasn’t fair to my then boyfriend.

Eventually I accepted a dinner invitation. Stephen was tall, well educated, respectful, and a true gentleman. He opened the door for me and we connected on a different level. He seemed so mature. He had his own apartment and was about to graduate. We began to date.

At the time I was having problems with my dad. I was raised in a very traditional Hispanic household. I couldn’t go out late because of his machismo. I’m a girl so he didn’t trust anyone. The situation was so extreme that I had to be home by 9pm. At the age of 21 I had never experienced the club scene and I had never stayed over at a friends house. It was absurd. I had gone away for college to Omaha, NE and was still being treated like a child.

In a heated discussion I left my house. Stephen and I had been dating for a month. I went to his apartment. We went out for dinner and then he asked me to move in. A mix of emotions, anger, confusion and affection clouded my thoughts. I decided to stay.

The first months were rocky. When we were together it was great but I couldn’t get past not talking to my mom. My family was very upset with me. I had acquired a new job, so we didn’t work together anymore. He came from a different upbringing. His mom didn’t take care of him until he was 5. When he was born, his mom wanted to still act young and handed her responsibility to her mom. He never knew his dad and his step dad owned the company.

He never understood why I felt like I did. He would always ask me what was wrong and i would say nothing. I just felt that I had to be quiet until I was ready to share, So when I got in this funk he would literally shake it out of me. Shake me until I cried.

That was the first time he was aggressive.

During that whole summer we argued, we loved, we laughed and we experienced new things. We grew. My fondest memory is rushing to go to work because I had woken up late. As I quickly took a shower and got dressed and walked out the door, he had in his hand my lunch. He made everything just how I liked it; my sandwich was cut into 4 squares and there was exactly one cup of fruit. I learned to love his family because they welcomed me with open arms. That is something I will never forget. I guess I knew it was real, or thought it was anyway, when he took me to his dad’s Lakehouse for thanksgiving. His stepdad had remarried and his family was there. From what I was told by several family members, he had never introduced a girlfriend to his dad. Much less taken one to a a family function like thanksgiving or Christmas.

But there was also bad. As soon as I moved in, I found out he smoked weed. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with it. I personally don’t do it. But it made me angry because I had brought up that question when we began dating. I am no one to judge. I just wanted to know. He began talking street slang as well. I laughed the first time he said “nigga” in Ebonics. But then it became a constant thing. I hated it. Worst of all I found out he had dropped out of school.

One time we went to a party that my friends from high school were having. It was summer and my friends like to have a good time. I drank every shot they offered me. When we left the party I was ready to go to sleep. When we were laying in bed I kept being fussy. Moving around and such, and it bothered him. He dragged me into the shower and he turned it on. I was soaking wet in my pajamas. He yelled at me and said he hated when I drank. I had been drinking but I wasn’t an idiot. I wasn’t throwing up much less saying stupid remarks. But he thought I was so drunk. I wouldn’t remember. I should have left him after this incident. There were more like them. I always tried to push him away but I wasn’t strong enough.

He was still a gentleman. He was very affectionate and paid attention to details. I was head over heels. Aside from those hiccups he was all I wanted. My credit cards were maxed out. I spent every paycheck on the stuff we needed because he blew his almost immediately. On our date night dinner where we spent $100 at least. $100 on his bills and the rest was his gas and lunch money.

Everything fell apart in January of this year. We argued over a picture on Instagram. It was a picture that I had taken over dinner with one of my friends. The reason why it was such a big deal was because his last name is Pietrowski. Stephen had a best friend who’s last name was also Pietrowski. My caption was “dinner with Pietrowski” and my hashtags were friendsthatbecomefamily, and grimaldis which was the pizza restaurant. He didn’t let me explain. He was determined that we could not be together, but that’s the way it always was. We argued and he wanted to break up. I guess I should’ve understood through those many times that we argued and he wanted to break up that he was scared of commitment. That he was insecure,

Me, being the forgiving, the seeing good in everyone person that I am, always decided to stay and to try to work it out. I deactivated my Instagram to avoid any other problems.

Two months later, this February I decide to start up my Instagram again. Only to find that he has an account. On one of his pictures he apologizes to a girl and says “It’s only right, the way I acted wasn’t right. I’m sorry. Did you delete my email.” I never snoop. I am a firm believer that if you trust someone and completely trust someone, there is no need for that. I am not jealous. I believe that if you are with me it is because you love me. Because out of everyone that you could have, you picked me. But something told me to look at his phone. He never kept a lock code anyway. So I did. And there were emails to a Kristy saying “I miss you.” And she replied back “I thought you had moved on.”

I felt like the biggest idiot.
I blindly gave him my heart. I put everything on the line. And sure, no one asked me to do that but I felt we were on the same page. I settled. I kept thinking if there were signs that I missed but all I could think was that everything was fine yesterday.

He turned everything on me. He said he wasn’t going to feel bad because that’s the way his heart sank when he saw that picture on Instagram. That maybe it was best for me to move out. I kept saying I should get my own place after every argument we had. But he wanted to be the good guy. He said he would give me a month to look for an apartment and to have some furniture.

I was heartbroken. He didn’t even try to work it out. My new boss, who is my cousin, noticed something was wrong, I told her what was going on and she said I didn’t have to wait a month. That her and her husband had an extra room.

I still believed we could work it out. When I saw that there was nothing to change his mind I began to pack. He asked me if I was moving out that day, it was a Wednesday. I told him that I was getting a head start and that I would be gone on Saturday. I had hope that he would stop me. That he would show me he still cared. He didn’t.

I lost it. I packed everything. I left about 3 days worth of outfits hanging in the closet. I asked him ” do you love me?” He said “if it’ll make you get over it faster, I’ll be the bad guy.” I told him that I was going to leave that night and go to a hotel. That i would be back the next day for my stuff. He told me my stuff would be put on the street if i left that night. He called his mom and asked her to move me out. I swear it is likes scene from a movie. I called my cousin and he came to the rescue. When his mom arrived he said it was my fault that I had pushed him to kick me out in the middle of the night. As soon as the car arrived I got in the car, he grabbed all my belongings and I left.

This was March 1st, 2013 at 12 o’clock midnight, Today is May 7th and I still cry from time to time. I feel used, mistreated, like no one will ever love me again. And it’s not being dramatic. I genuinely feel that way. I am so confused about the person that he was. I felt like he was committed to me. Everything was great the day prior to me looking at his emails. It’s like he turned back to who he was when I found out. His friends, his family members and people that knew him say that he changed whenever he met me. But that’s the only Stephen I ever knew. I think he really tried to change but when he didn’t agree with something he went back to who he was.

I changed my number on March 2nd. A part of me knew that there was no going back. He disrespected me in the worst possible way. No one deserves to be treated like trash. Throwing someone else out in the middle of the night. I’m very proud of myself for not calling him. For not begging him to get back together.

Another part is angry. Doesn’t understand why things happened, I stood by him and supported him through any situation he encountered whether it was work related or family. I believed it was a partnership.

The other part of me is conflicted. It believes that he was “just angry” that we can work it out. This part of me thinks of all the good times. All the things he did right.

But he has never tried to communicate with me. He knows where I work an knows my email. I believe that if there is a will there is a way.

If anything he managed to mess my head completely. My brain cannot figure out what was real and what was false. Everything seemed sincere. No matter how much I try to forget about it. To let it go and say “fuck it.” I simply can’t. At least not yet.

I know deep in the bottom of my heart that I made the right decision. Sometimes staying isn’t what makes you strong but knowing your worth and deciding they you won’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.

My crying has decreased considerably. I kept busy all of march and April. Going to concerts, restaurants and even visiting friends in Chicago. I’ve gone out on a few dates but they don’t go past the first date, I think it’s me. I’m still caught up in the past. I am trying to keep busy so I say yes to any invitation whether it is to a party or dinner of even something that I don’t like to do. I even bought Joel Osteen’s “I declare” book. I’m trying to find the answers anywhere. That or forget about the questions. People do make mistakes and forgiveness is important but once a mistake becomes a habit, it’s time to reevaluate. I don’t think I’ll ever get closure on this one.

Thank you to all those who took the time to read my story.its a chapter of my life that I’m sure I’ll be grateful one day. Today, however, I just needed to vent.

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Sat, 19 May 2012 01:42:30 -0500

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Sat, 19 May 2012 01:38:40 -0500

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Sat, 19 May 2012 01:37:38 -0500

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Sat, 19 May 2012 01:35:59 -0500

i really want a hip tattoo

Sat, 19 May 2012 01:33:48 -0500

i really want a hip tattoo

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Sat, 19 May 2012 01:32:46 -0500

Obsessed.

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:08:42 -0500

Obsessed.

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Thu, 17 May 2012 13:07:39 -0500

weak knees & 808 vibes

luxurious-kingdom: celine-denvior: conceiited: the notes...

gettingahealthybody: Is this paradise yet?

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Yep

Hearts don't break even.

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i really want a hip tattoo

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Obsessed.

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